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Steps in Voicing your Concern

If someone you love is experiencing some of the signs and symptoms associated with an eating disorder, here are a few steps in voicing your concern. You can also view our glossary of eating disorder terminology for assistance.

Steps in voicing your concern to a loved one.

1. Being direct and non-punitive, point out the specific things you have observed that have aroused your concern:
   "You've lost weight."
   "You seem preoccupied with food and weight."
   "You've been isolating yourself."
   "You seem tired and sad."
   "You spend so much time exercising."
   Communicate care, concern, and compassion while emphasizing your belief that something must be done. Focus on the misery, isolation, and disturbance that the symptoms are causing. Avoid expressing wonder or awe about the extreme nature of the symptoms. Make clear your desire for the person's return to health and effective functioning, instead of casting judgement on the symptoms as "bad."
   
2. Be prepared to end the conversation if you are met with anger or a lack of response. Simply restate your concerns as above, and suggest a referral resource.
   
3. Avoid becoming the saviour, therapist, or collaborator of the person with symptoms. In other words, do not promise to keep symptoms a secret, formulate a treatment plan, or adjust around the symptoms. Make note of the face that eating disorders are very difficult to overcome without professional help - which also means that unsuccessful efforts that may have been made are not due to moral failing or a lack of drive to succeed.
   
4. A common characteristic in someone who seeks treatment for an eating disorder is ambivalence, or a wavering determination to suffer the discomfort necessary to recover. Especially if symptoms are overwhelming or the sufferer is not an adult, your help may be needed in making the decision to seek treatment. Parents may invoke authority over a minor by insisting: "You will see a doctor before ___________." In all but the most extreme circumstances, an adult must consent to treatment, but loved ones can still influence the decision by communicating their concern and their understanding of the need for treatment.
   
5. Do not imply that bulimia nervosa is less serious than anorexia nervosa simply because the person with symptoms may not be underweight.
   
6. Avoid giving advice about weight or exercise, or oversimplifying the problem by comparing it to an addiction or a desire to appear slim. Listen carefully, and never show disgust for behaviours.
   
7. Describe your concerns in private, in a non-threatening setting.
   
8. Remember that this is a person you're dealing with - not an "anorectic" or "bulimic." Help the person avoid identifying herself/himself as an illness, rather than an individual. Stand against the illness but not the person.

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